I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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