Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
