i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
