You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
