And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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