He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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