well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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