then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
