Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
