Don't you send me to vm
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
