i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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