grandma shit on top of the toilet
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
