Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I want to be your penis for a week.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
