Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you will always have a special place in my vag
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am one with the molecules
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
