You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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