My room smells like vodka and shame
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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