Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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