Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
