it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
