Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
