well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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