I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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