i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
