I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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