I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
