Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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