You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
