I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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