I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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