You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
