Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
