Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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