the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
false alarm. still invincible.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
