hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
