Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
