my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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