those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
