dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She even gives head with a lisp.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
