he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
