I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Boobs are out for the taking
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
