I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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