Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
