I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
