Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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