Umm I'm too high to move.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
