when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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