I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
