Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
