the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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