I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
