He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
